The Gospel of Joseph Stalin, Chapter 5: The Parable of the Green Fool

Secretary General and Loving Father Stalin, who only sends those who really need it to Siberia to be worked to death. Photo taken by CCCP, public domain for all good comrades. Here

"Someone in the crowd said to him, “Liberal, tell my brother to divide the tax money with my solar power company.”

"¹⁴ Comrade Stalin replied, “Individuals, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you? Can't you tell I have the general will to look out for...” ¹⁵ Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; you might turn in to a conservative! But for now you're just a useful idiot...”

¹⁶ And he told them this parable: “The ground of a certain country yielded an abundant economic harvest. ¹⁷ He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no way to prevent the world from changing.’

¹⁸ “Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my coal power plants and build bigger solar panels across miles of beautiful, open Desert, and there I will have my electricity. ¹⁹ And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of power laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.”’

²⁰ “But the general will, now extended to include the cute, furry creatures of the forest, said to him, ‘You fool! Yellowstone will erupt this very night, cover the Western United States with lava and block the sun for 50 years. Then where will this stable world you have prepared for yourself go to?’

²¹ “This is how it will be with whosoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich towards the general will."

The Gospel of Joseph Stalin, Episode 4: The 'Tudes

Secretary General and Loving Father Stalin, who only sends those who really need it to Siberia to be worked to death. Photo taken by CCCP, public domain for all good comrades. Here

Blessed are the poor, for they shall receive random roads in places they never go to,
Blessed are the meek, for they have not noticed what DC is doing in the past few months,
Blessed are the lowly in heart, for repeating "yes we can" makes them instantly happy,
Blessed are the bankers, for they shall inherit the earth,
Blessed are the malleable, for they shall change easily,
Blessed are the merciful, for I shall mention them briefly in a speech,
Blessed are the elderly, for they shall inherit huge amounts of government spending and by the time we're ready to pay, they'll be dead,
Blessed are those who agree with me, for I will listen to your praise.

But woe to you manufacturers, for ye shall be enslaved by congress,
Woe to you rich, for ye shall be taxed,
Woe to you proud, because I'm the only one allowed to be egotistical,
Woe to you consumers, for health has been declared a voluntary activity like driving,
Woe to you strong, for ye shall struggle,
Woe to you merciless, because by the time this is done, you'll have killed somebody,
Woe to you young, for ye shall hunger,
Woe to you who do not agree with me, for ye shall burn in anger.

The Gospel of Joseph Stalin, Episode 3: Parable of the Talented Manipulators

Secretary General and Loving Father Stalin, who only sends those who really need it to Siberia to be worked to death. Photo taken by CCCP, public domain for all good comrades. Here

"The federal system is like a slightly violent and paranoid man who travelled to a far away arab nation in need of asskicking, leaving all his various powers to take your money to three servants, assigning it based upon their ability, with the instruction to generate more.

"To Obama he left 10 special interest groups,

"To Reidosi he left 5 special interest groups,

"To Bush, he left only one, the Christian Right.

"Obama came up with 10 more special interest groups, Pelosi used her 5 to get 5 more, but Bush took his and refused to look in to television cameras.

"When the federal system came back, he saw that Obama had generated so much special interest and said, 'Well done my faithful servant, I'm giving you the White House.'

"When he saw how much Reidosi had interested, he said, 'Well done my faithful servant, I'm giving you the Congress.'

"But Bush came to him and said, 'I was afraid, for I knew you were a hard man who reap where other people sow, thus I buried my speical interest group in the ground. Here, take what is yours!'

"But he said, "So you knew I was a hard man who reaps where other people sow! Therefore, you should've used the IRS to pay for other peoples earmarks!"

"'But I did do that!'

"'No you didn't damn it! Everyone loves earmarks!'

"'I honestly did do that! Haven't you talked the budget office lately? Look at how high the debt is! Aren't you proud of me?'

"'NO! I'm never proud of failures! And besides, what kind of idiot uses OTHER PEOPLES interest groups to advance himself?'

"And then they took the worthless servant, and cut him in two, and there was much rejoicing.

"Assuredly, I say unto you, whoever has much in this year will have much in the election to come, and to him who has little, even what he has will be taken away!"

The Gospel of Joseph Stalin, Episode 2: Parable of the fruits and the nuts

Secretary General and Loving Father Stalin, who only sends those who really need it to Siberia to be worked to death. Photo taken by CCCP, public domain for all good comrades. Here

"And when the Republican Candidate for Governor of California comes, on the second of November, carried on the backs of lobbyists and wearing a tacky turtleneck sweater, she will divide the Californians, and in her bowl will be the fruits, and in her mouth will be the nuts.

"And she shall sayeth to the fruits as they look on in their simply fabulous sunglasses while their gay partner holds their hand and massages their left shoulder, "curse you oh fruits, for I was hungry, and you cancelled my welfare checks, I was naked, and you let me escape prison for streaking, I was in the hospital, and you cut my Medicaid, I was in prison, and you caused the prison library to be sold to Half Price Books."

"But Meg Whitman, when did we do any of these things to you?"

"Assuredly I say to you, when you overspent at the ballot box, you did it to me."

"Then she shall sayeth to the nuts as they hold their combined King James Bible and AK-47 maintenance manual, "curse you oh nuts, for I was trying to break the strikes, and you stopped me, I was trying to lower taxes, and you increased them, I was trying to build a fence on the border, and you turned the ground in to quicksand."

"But Meg Whitman, when did we do any of these things to you?"

"Assuredly I say to you, when you made yourselves look ridiculous, you made me look ridiculous."

"And then everyone, including Meg Whitman, shall inherit a hell called modern day California. There shall be 20% unemployment rates and a considerable number of ruined political careers, and even the wild animals shall consider them an abhorrence and a disgrace."

The Gospel of Joseph Stalin, Episode 1: Lazarus and Obama

Secretary General and Loving Father Stalin, who only sends those who really need it to Siberia to be worked to death. Photo taken by CCCP, public domain for all good comrades. Here

"There was once a very succesful politician who feasted sumptuously on the contributions of political lobbyists everyday. Outside his door was a politically hated Leper named the Republican Party. The Leper was very sick, and had nothing to eat in years since he was deemed unclean by the entire population of the world 4 years ago.

"Everyday he waited outside of the succesful politicians doors, asking only for the scraps given to the Europeans and Iranians. Worse, the Europeans and Iranians, after eating said scraps, licked his sores and called him a nitwit. Later that year, he caught a terrible case of Teaitis, and passed away. Teaitis is contagious, and so the succesful politician caught it too, along with a bunch of Illegal Immigrants in Arizona, and was laid to rest in a healthcare plan.

"The Leper was carried to the bosom of Sarah Palin, to a supremely comfortable midterm election with lots of lobbyists to provide them with everything they want, even Learjets! Meanwhile, the succesful poltician was burned over and over again in Political Hell by his own Death Panels. He cried out "Mother Palin, have mercy on me! Come send the Lazarus person with a large batch of Earl Grey to put out these flames all over me and make me think I still have Arugula money!"

"But Mother Palin replied, "Son, you had nothing but good things a couple Novembers ago, while he had nothing but bad, but beyond that, we would love to help you Dem man, but a great Gulf of Mexico has been fixed between us, so that anyone who goes there is considered an asshole, and anyone who comes here is considered a paranoid freak who most assuredly is far too paranoid and radical to do anything irresponsible with free money, I mean, campaign funds."